The Runaway Christmas Elf: a dubious story

He had enough.
Enough toys.
Enough cookies and milk.
Enough short people jokes.
Enough big ear jokes.
Enough of the fat old man and his ho, ho this, and his ho, ho that.
Kris wanted more. He wanted a warm sunny climate. He was tired of freezing his butt off all year long. He wanted a good meal. He was just simply tired of his persistent sugar high. If he was going to be high, it would have to be over something better than sugar. But most of all, he was tired of Santa. Kris has a really good personality and can get along with just about anyone...usually. But Santa has started to get under his skin, big time. He can be so annoying with his "wee little folk" and his "cookies and milk for everyone." Goodness, can you imagine what it is like working with a whole group of people that have milk breath all the time? And when you want to talk to him about anything, he always lifts you up to sit on his lap. It's humiliating! Kris is 29 already, and most of the others are much older than that.
Well, it was inevitable. He finally broke. He made his escape plans with his closest friend, Blitzen. (Blitzen is another one that has been feeling abused and taken for granted. Let's face it, who really cares what Blitzen thinks. It's always Rudolf, Rudolf, Rudolf! Yeah, well, take away that sleep robbing neon light of a nose and what have you got? Nothing! You got a reindeer with no nose. He'd be nothing.)
So the time arrived, they packed a couple of lunch boxes (cookies and milk it will have to be for now). Then, they stole some of Santa's cash, made reservations at the Laguna Beach Hotel and snuck out. After they made their way to Sunny California, and had a good meal, for the first time in their lives, they high-tailed it to the beach.
"Oh Hoochie Mama! Look at all of the babes!" they both exclaimed in unison. Well these two were smart enough to know that their stunning good looks would get them only so far. So they took their stolen cash and headed out to get some hip clothes that would set off their boyish charms. Once these two get all decked out, look out California! Kris and Blitzen can now fulfill their long held dreams with all of the California babes. You can almost hear Rod Stewart singing, "If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, come on honey let me know." Yeah, go Rod.
But of course, there is always a down side to even the best of circumstances. (Didn't someone say that once? Oh, yeah, that was me.) They will have to watch their back, especially at Christmas time when Santa flies over. He has a great satellite system these days, and a little known fact about Santa is that he is very possessive about his stuff. You wouldn't think this was the case, with all of the toys he gives out. But when it comes to 'his money' and 'his cookies and milk', and 'his elves', well, he's like a man possessed. They're his, and he wants them back.
So as good as Kris and Blitzen look, they will always be looking over their shoulder, since he really does know when they are sleeping and when they are awake.
And he knows that they have been very, very bad.

Runaway Christmas Elf T-shirts in different styles and colors are available at The Smokin' Frog T-Shirts and Gifts.

The Origin Of The Year Of The Rat

Why in the 'world' would rats get their own year? Why indeed.
While some rats are very scary, this festive year is really named for just two in particular.
This is the true origin of The Year Of The Rat. Would I Lie?
Actually, it is a commemoration, set up by The High Order Of The Tokyo Skeeby Jeebies Travel Lodge of the Ninja Rodent Community (it's located in a shopping mall looking out at Mount Fuji). It is in honor of Hiroshi and Sumi, world class travelers and treasure hunters. These are the original rats that hit the road to see the 'world', (see, I told you) in 80 days. They've racked up more miles than the Roadrunner outsmarting Wile E. Coyote. BEEP! BEEP! And they've generously put it all down for us in their travel guide book:

BEST RESTAURANTS AND RECREATION AREAS
While On The Road And In The Can.

The lodge is indebted to them for their efforts to uplift the self esteem of garbage eaters everywhere and share their knowledge with the younger generations.
As you may know, rats have had a reputation problem for some time. Japan is no different than America when it comes to rodents. They're all over the place, and not always welcome. Some have even referred to them as 'kinda creepy'. Well some of them are creepy (how about Ben that starred in Willard, yeah he was creepy). But Hiroshi and Sumi, had turned this personal negative into a plus (the Japanese are always doing that). While their road to fortune has had some serious road blocks, they managed to get some great photos (the Japanese, you know, can't be without their cameras, and we are so glad for that). And they've put them all in their travel guide.
And yes, the rumors are true, these two, Hiroshi and Sumi, are nasty rats. Nasty and cranky. Always name calling. Never mind giving them a festival YEAR, it's amazing that anyone liked them at all, what with all of their bickering. If you didn't know better you would think they were cats and dogs, always fighting. A bunch of garbage mouths, talking trash. "You Dirty Rat!" Shiesh! No one would ever think they were life long friends.
But, they've traveled around together for some time, taking over where the raccoons left off..."ooohhh...a fancy French garbage can, Foie Gras tonight." What a treasure, "We've hit the mother lode."
They've traveled a lot of roads; the long and winding road, tobacco road, the road less traveled, the road more traveled, they even took the road that wasn't taken. They've been on public roads, private roads and most of the time they are middle-of-the-road. They tried the road to stardom but it turned out to be the road to nowhere. They even followed the chicken across the road but still haven't found out why she did it. Once they went way off-road while following a musical fellow in tights. His flute was appealing but things started to go badly. "Seemed like a cult if you ask me," Hiroshi said. Sumi agreed, "It sure looked that way especially when all of our friends jumped into the river."
But, after years of traveling around to see the world's classiest garbage dumps, they started to develop a serious road rage, some have even referred to them as road hogs (HOGS!, no less, such name calling). So they made the decision to call it quits, and pass the torch to another fellow traveling ambassador for The High Order Of The Tokyo Skeeby Jeebies Travel Lodge. "I'm hungry let's get off the road, go home and stay put. I want my own can tonight," Sumi said, and Hiroshi agreed, seeing as they had much to write about.
But as cranky as these rats were, the road home was certainly the best.

Dirty Rats T-shirts in different styles and colors are available at The Smokin' Frog T-Shirts and Gifts and Crazy-Land T-Shirts.

Shop early for Christmas gifts. Funny, one of a kind cartoon t-shirts for everyone.