Nobody Messes with a Sumo Cat

Just look into these eyes and beware!

So there I am. Looking eyeball to eyeball at this...this...dog! He thinks he is so scary, with those eyes furrowed, that tongue slobbering all over. Maybe he has just never heard of me. Jack! I'm named after my hero of course, the original Attack Cat. I thought, "Maybe I'll be like him one day, chasing bears and all." But after years of not being taken seriously, I have had just about enough...things have got to change. So I took up sumo wrestling. That's right, I've been working out and bulking up, eating like a...dog. Now I am the one with the furrowed brows. Yes, there is nothing like a cat in a mawashi. Soon I will be at the Yokozuna rank...then...who knows what will become of me. But you know full well that nobody messes with a Sumo Cat.

Sumo Cat T-shirts are available at The Smokin' Frog at Cafepress.

The Crazed Bowling Beast

Why? Why Is He Such A Crank?

"Please don't. Put me down. I don't want to die. I want to live!" The Pinhead cried...no...he bellowed. But to no avail. The Beast was hungry. Food always tastes better at night. And we all know that calories don't count after midnight. This boomer had developed quite a taste for Pinheads. Let's face it, they are good. A true delicacy. So who can really blame him. He is doing what comes naturally. Unfortunately he is such a brute. It's as if he can't hear the plaintive cries of his captive prey, doomed to death. "I don't want to die either," cried his friend. But it is all in vain. This boomer came to kill; their demise is inevitable. These two sides never did get along. They were always at war and now these two Pinheads crossed over into the Beast's zone. How did this happen? Wasn't the pin boy paying attention? Maybe he was payed off. But by who? The Beast? Hmmm...But no matter. Their end has come. At least it will be swift, this guy eats like an animal, which is why he is called the Beast (these folks aren't all that deep). But they can go out with their heads held high (although they may be shrieking like banshies). They lived a glorious life, true to who they are. And who are they? They are Pinheads and proud of it. True burners all the way. They never stepped over the line, and tried to stay out of the gutter, no small feat these days. But unfortunately they have come to the end of the alley. They have come face to face with the Ball known as the Beast and he is hungry...he is very hungry. Yes, their goose is cooked. While he had always been suspected of being a sandbagger, for the little Pinheads, tonight the lights went out.

There will be a dignified but uplifting memorial service held by the BROTHERHOOD OF PINHEADS THAT HAVEN'T BEEN XXX'ED OUT YET, in the graveyard tonight. All are invited to attend.
Toasted Marshmellows and hot cocoa will be served, please bring a friend.
I need a hanky.

Bowling Beast T-shirts are available at The Smokin' Frog at Cafepress and Funny T-Shirts, Bowling T-Shirts.

Biker Cat Rules The World

Cats used to be worshiped.
Someday Cats Will Rule the World...AGAIN!
Don't I look happy? Well, I am. And I should look happy. I have two very good reasons for being happy. For one thing, I'm a cat. That really says a lot. I generally do not get stressed out, although, I have given stress to others at times, but that's information for another time. I can go and come as I please and I need NOBODY! But it is amazing how much others appear to need me. They seem to crave my attention. I have to admit, this is heady stuff. I love it! "Yes, I know that you love me, now where is my tuna!" And going and coming as I please brings me to the second reason for my happiness...I'm a Biker! Now, this is the life. Wind in my whiskers, babes love me, the need for speed met. And if I screw up my life, I have eight more to go. Who could ask for anything more? Well, of course, you could, since you are not me. I sympathize with you, to a degree; a small degree. It is a pity that others are not me, but there could only be one.
Well, got to go now. The call of the wild just yelled my name so it's time to get my motor running and head out on the highway. But I don't have to look for adventure, I am adventure (and I'm cute too).

Biker Cat T-shirts are available at The Smokin' Frog at Cafepress.

Smash Mouth Football

Look at those idiots! Look at their feeble attempts to block me. "No can do compadre!" They can't stop me. Why? Because they don't call me Smash Mouth for nothing. It's about authority. "You will get outta my way or I will smash you in the mouth and multiple other body parts as well. Best you move your little tucchus over to the sidelines before my footprints are all over it." Oh, that's not very nice, you say? Well I'm not exactly politically or socially correct. I didn't make it to the Superbowl by behaving like a girly man. No way, José. I'm the guy that Madden dreams about. He loves to draw his little scribbles all over me. Fumble is not in my vocabulary. And talk about possession? I'm possessed. Grrr!!! No one can lay a glove on me, I'm like a freight train. I'm the one the fans come to see. They come to see me ramrod my way to the goal post. I'm the main event and everybody knows it. Truth be told, I am the team. The others aren't really necessary, they're just window dressing for me, it gives them something to do while they dream about being me someday.
I always knew my aggressiveness would pay off someday. "Stop that." "Don't hit him." "Behave yourself." "Put your sister down." "Stop twisting her neck." "Stop tossing him around." "Get his head out of the toilet." Shiesh! It was a never ending barrage of complains. You would think that I could do nothing right. But now, all the things that they yelled at me for...they pay me to do them. Yeah, that's right. Muchas money! SMASH MOUTH, that's what they call me. Now all the people that yelled at me, yell for me. Maybe they conveniently forgot. No matter. I don't have time for grudges, just send me the money. I just have time to RUMBLE! Now, they see it my way. My plan for world dominance is moving along right on schedule. Like I said, it's about authority. And I've got it. I win! TOUCHDOWN!
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Funny anonymous questions:
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?