Cranky Bears International

You've all heard of The Teddy Bear's Picnic, right? You've all heard of the warnings, that it was not safe to go in the woods alone. That it was better for you to stay at home. It sounds like an ominous warning. A very terrifying situation those picnics must have been to outsiders. And what kind of games do you supposed they played? What could be so terrifying? Was this some kind of secret society? What are they, Masons, or something?
Well, some of our number took them up on their warning to go in disguise, and snoop them out. Not one of these bears were aware that an intruder, a spy, was in their midst. And what the spies found was hardly a picnic with happy go lucky teddy bears. And this was surely a big surprise.
They found out all they needed to know about these supposedly gay bears. Why, they aren't gay at all. And they don't much like dancing about either, and they are never happy with their food, they don't think it's all that wonderful. They actually have a lot of things on their minds.
This picnic is really the annual meeting of the Cranky Bears International. And they have lots to be cranky about. They don't like being asked questions, they don't like interviews. They don't like snoops. They don't like fun and games. And they don't like cheap chocolate. They don't consider cheap chocolate much of a treat at all. They are not politically correct, and could care less if you approve of them or not.
They especially think the government sucks. They are tired of the government trying to tag them all the time. They are tired of being traced. Others have a right to privacy, they don't understand why they don't. They are sick and tired of the government intervening in their lives.
The only question on their minds is, what are they going to do about these nosy senators and congressmen? They stink, and these bears know it. They aren't serving them well at all.
Finally, after what seemed to be an endless debate, a voice of reason stood up and proclaimed, "We're bears for goodness sake! We'll just eat them!"
Eat them?
Well of course! How very simple. We'll just eat them!
"What an excellent idea. And so obvious," the rest of the C.B.I. members said in unison. "Why haven't we thought of that before? How could this delightful, and satisfying solution have eluded us for so long?"
So with their resolution decided on unanimously, and the day of their grand Congressional Banquet set, for the first time in the whole history of the Cranky Bears International, there wasn't one member there that was actually cranky. They toasted their upcoming national feast, ate their cheap chocolate, and for the first time in their lives, smiled at each other.
If only humans could come up with a solution to Congress as satisfying as this.

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No More Illegal Aliens

We have had it in this country with all of the illegal aliens. There are just too many of them. Why can't they stay where they belong? So many folks are troubled by this influx. We have laws against illegals. They're criminals. Do our laws mean anything anymore? And what about all of their captives? What have they done to them? These people aren't normal (who knows if they ever were, but they're certainly not now). They just can't keep showing up here and abducting people. These people don't belong to them, they belong to us. They should go and get their own people. And what were they probed with? They surely are different now. Goodness, every freeken light in the sky creates a recurrence of post traumatic stress for these poor souls. And their nightmares...big eyed, green creatures shoving probes into every opening they can find. These people keep waking up in a sweat. And most of them seem to have more openings than they used to have. It's simply inexplicable.
What do they want? Are they going to take over? Kill us? Eat us? What? What do they want?
It really is time that we fight back. Eliminate these foreigners before they eliminate us. New laws must be enacted and enforced. Vaporization should be used before it is too late.
They just can't keep taking over every planet that they are intrigued by. Yeah, yeah, we all know how interesting we are. Every other TV show tells us relentlessly how intriguing we are, so it must be true. But still, they have their own planet and they should stay there. We must insist that Earth is for Earthlings, Mars is for Martians and Venus is for Venusians. These aliens must work to create their own intrigue, not steal ours.
And we really don't know how much damage all of their space ships are doing to the atmosphere. Maybe they are the cause of global warming. They're the ones flying around in our atmosphere all of the time, not us, we're on terra firma, and would like to stay here.
And how many are here already? Do we know? Do you really know that next door neighbor of yours? You know, the one that keeps bringing over the crappy pies. Why can't she learn to cook? Well, maybe she can't. Did you ever think of that? Hmmm...Maybe she's an ALIEN!!!
And why won't that @#%#%$# dog shut up? Does he have a probe up his ass? (That would definitely make me scream blood murder.)
And that hamster. For hours on end he runs and runs and runs in that stupid wheel. Do you really think that's normal? Hamsters used to be a great society. Now they don't care, they're totally docile. What happened. Well, maybe it's just too difficult to stop and sit down.
And notice how squirrels can't make up their mind on crossing the street. It's not that difficult of a decision. They only have two options, go or stay. But nooo...what we get is "this way, that way, this way, that way, too many choices, what shall I do, it looks good over there, but I just don't know." I say "hit the darn things." That'll make them move their butts. But the chipmunks have no problem at all. This is because the squirrels were adducted and modified. Notice all of their erratic twitching. They're being controlled like radio cars by the aliens. They're trying to make us crazy. It's an alien plot against our planet.
Why do you think cows are mad so much lately? Why do you think dogs and cats smell each others butts? Yeah, that's real normal. And why do dogs chase their own freeken tails around for hours on end? Let's face it these creatures are insane. Someone has been messing around with our stuff. It must stop now!
No, my friends, the aliens are here. What do they want? Do we really want to wait to find out? Vaporize them now and get it over with.
Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm too harsh.
I don't mean to be harsh but I still say we should vote for NO MORE ILLEGAL SPACE ALIENS!
We should act now before it is too late.

No More Illegal Space Aliens T-shirts are available at The Smokin' Frog T-Shirts and Gifts.

Cranky Bears International t-shirts & No Illegal Space Aliens t-shirts are great gift ideas.