The Fish That Got Away

Did you ever hear the real story about the 'original' fish that got away? I'll bet you've heard a lot of variations of it. It's like the telephone game. These tales just seem to get distorted. But once upon a time there really was an original fish, that just had it with the ocean. And this is his story.
It's a well known 'true' fact, about this particular area of the ocean, that the fish generally are fishitarians. It's like a religion. And most fish subscribe to it almost, well, religiously. There are rules, such as you have to be able to swim. You have to be colorful. There are strict dietary rules too, which of course is how it got it's name, fishitarian. Obviously they eat fish and that's exclusive. It's the law. You can be excommunicated if you deviated from this practice. It's not a hard law at all since these fish apparently are cannibals. They eat each other and no one seems to think this odd. They like fish so it is not a difficult requirement for most fish to follow. No little fish ever wakes up and says, "Mom, why do we eat fish?" It's just like breathing, you just do it.
Except for Bill.
He not only thought it odd, he feared for his life. But it wasn't always this way. He used to be 'normal'.
But that was then.
One day, while a couple of fishermen were fishing, they passed over Bill's area of 'the pond'. (They got that from an English Salmon that got lost one day and wound up off the coast of sunny Florida. They thought it was cool so ever since they've referred to their ocean as 'the pond'.) Anyway the fishermen, knowing the exotic nature of the fish in this area, kept throwing in some pretty good squid, eel, and really tasty clams to attract Bill and his friends. They went nuts over this feast, it was like gourmet city. They had to keep moving to avoid getting caught but the food along the way was great. They zigged and zagged between appetizer and entree. And OHHH!!! Those desserts were to die for.
They never had anything like this before. James seemed to become somewhat addicted to the crawfish almost immediately. While the fishermen were preparing the next batch, James was quite impatient...no, he was salivating, and darting back and forth anxiously under the boat and carelessly rammed it from underneath. He jostled the boat so badly that the fisherman's burger, made just the way he liked it, was knocked right out of his hand and into the water. Well no, not really, it went right into Bill's mouth. He was right under the boat when the burger took flight, and it fell into his open mouth and he ate it, swallowed it and said "What the heck was that!" That taste! That aroma! It was simply unbelievable. He thought, "Surely I died and went to fish heaven." This was not like anything he's eaten before. This was not like...fish. This was pure excitement. this was nirvana. He was euphoric. His friends immediately, including James, came to his rescue they tried to pump his stomach. They thought he would be deathly ill. But no, he was fine and no one could understand why. No one could understand his sublime demeanor, since this was poisonous food for fishitarians, every one knows that. But nothing happened to Bill. Nothing. Yet.
This was too much excitement for one day so they called it quits and went home.
Bill couldn't sleep at all that night. He knew this was going to be trouble. He couldn't get the memory out of his mind or stomach of how good that red greasy burger was. "No, No! It can't be. They'll all find out. They'll know. They'll know what I secretly think of. I really want another beefy burger." Fishitarians will know you don't behave like this from eating fish. And this was against the law.
But it got even worse.
Bill lost his taste for fish completely. It just couldn't compare. He couldn't hide it any more. He would rather starve that eat those bland neighbors of his again. He knew he would have to leave the community before he was found out. He would be excommunicated for sure. And that would be too humiliating.
So he made his plans and one day, he just left everything behind. Who could blame him. We all know how fish can be so boring, and you know how they just don't satisfy. In an hour your hungry again. Bill couldn't eat even one more clam.
Bill left the pond. It was nothing personal. He just had to get outta there. He just needed a good meal. He headed out for the main land, the big city lights, he would just follow the aroma until he reached his new nirvana, the Big Beefy Burger Hut, two blocks north and on the right.
The fishitarians never did hear from Bill again. But there were rumors that the Sea Shack, right up above 'the pond' had a special that night. A rare strange and colorful fish was caught and the customers are still talking about how good it was until today. We tend to think that it could be...nah...nah. Was it? Nooo! It couldn't be, could it? But everyone seems to think, on that fateful day, Bill swallowed something that would eventually kill him, although ironically, make him taste really good.
But we will never know for sure.

TheFish That Got Away T-shirts are available at The Smokin' Frog at Cafepress and Funny T-Shirts, Bowling T-Shirts

The Dark Alley Boys

Many people fear dark alleys, with good reason. You never know what's lurking in those scary dark alleys. Many, in our world today, have many grievances. Many have decided to take the vigilante root. Now, this is illegal. So to take this root, you have to be ready to suffer the consequences. Some, in our world today, have been mightily provoked. Like our friends here, the Dark Alley Boys. They're pinheads. Good for nothing but for beating the crap out of. Well, they have had just about enough of this racist violence. What have pinheads ever done to anyone? Nothing. And what do they get for their pacifism? Assaulted, mercilessly and often. Well clearly, pacifism doesn't work. They have had enough. Now, they're stark, raving, mad pinheads ready to fight the next bowling ball and bowler that assaults them. They will take no prisoners. They are dressed to kill. Look at their snarl. You don't get that kind of a professional snarl by being a kissy-faced, pacifist, love everybody, Mr. Rogers loser. No way. Now it's war. Tonight the Dark Alley Boys strike back! "BRING IT ON BALL BOY!!!"

The Dark Alley Boys T-shirts are available at The Smokin' Frog at Cafepress and Funny T-Shirts, Bowling T-Shirts

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